


petit papillon

by the3rdbrother



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But not much Comfort at first, But:, Crying Loki, Drunk Tony, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Feels, Flirting, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Loki, Insecurity, Loki Feels, Loki Needs a Hug, Loneliness, M/M, Miscommunication, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Oblivious Tony, Poor Loki, Poor Tony, Regret, Sad Loki, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, like no communication at all, or they try to do the right thing, self hate, steve too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2018-04-24 00:50:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4899172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the3rdbrother/pseuds/the3rdbrother
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony doesn't come home as promised, but spends the whole night partying with his fellow Avengers, leaving Loki at home, all by himself. Left alone, not for the first time, Loki starts to question their relationship and takes drastic actions.<br/>After realizing that the god is gone for good, Tony has to deal with the consequences of his own selfish behavior, while Loki struggles to get his life back in order, after being abandoned once again. And Thor really isn't helping in the least.<br/> </p>
<p>Or in other words: “Loki didn't want to leave. He really didn't. But what other choice did he have?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>[Was originally planned as a oneshot, but is now a story on its own]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the lack of any better ideas for a title, I named it after the song I thought of while writing this, petit papillon.. sorry if that caused any confusion, didn't really mean anything else by it ;)
> 
> English is not my first language, I really try to eliminate all errors but obviously that won't work so, you can point them out to me, when you find anything disturbing or, idk :)

 

 

For the 100th time, Loki checked the clock. 3:47h, and still no Tony. He didn't understand. Yeah, Tony had gone to that stupid Avengers party and yeah he had gone without Loki, but still. He had promised to be home as early as possible, had he not? He had promised to spent the rest of the night with Loki, to make it up to him because he hadn't been allowed to come!

So where were he.

Loki tried not to think about Tony talking and laughing with his fellow avengers. Not to think about Tony _drinking_ with them. He didn't understand why Tony wasn't home yet, he had _promised_!

Hadn't Tony told him, how he didn't even want to go to their “team bonding session”, as he had named it? Hadn't Tony complained about how Cap _forced_ him to participate? How he had tried -but obviously failed- to get them to invite Loki, too?

Loki, who was currently all alone in their -Tony's, really- bedroom. Trying to understand, why his boyfriend spent the whole night with people, he had _told_ Loki, he didn't even want to have around right now!

He didn't even understand, why he hadn't been invited, to be honest. He had thought to be on the right way!

Talking to Thor more often and accepting him as his brother once again.

Steve, he actually had considered him as something like a friend! Trying to explore the many wonders of midgardian technology together, they had somehow developed a close bond. Or so he had thought.

The green rage monster had managed to always stay in his human disguise, once he got used to Loki sticking around. progress, right?

And the two spies, after Loki had sincerely apologized and showed them he meant it, they never even once tried to kill him!

But somehow they all had agreed that they didn't want him with them, that evening. Except Tony, who had promised to be back by now. But maybe, he also had lied to him, played him like all the others had. Tricking him. Pretending to be his friend, his lover, pretending to care about him. Or, what other reason could there really be for Tony to avoid him like this. Maybe, it was even his idea, to not allow Loki to come? Had Loki done something to anger him? Was it a punishment for him, to be at home, all alone, waiting for Tony who, obviously, didn't want to come home to him? Or had he maybe embarrassed Tony, when they had last been with his friends? Did he just want to keep face in front of them? But as hard as Loki thought about the last weeks, he couldn't find a single situation, that would explain Anthony's behavior.

Loki turned in bed to lie on his left side, now. But as he tried to somehow just fall asleep, he thought further about his lover's absence. Because, maybe, it was so much simpler than those complicated thoughts. Maybe, Tony just didn't want him anymore. Maybe he had just realized how broken and worthless Loki really was and was trying to show him now that it was over between them? That he didn't want to continue, whatever it was they had had? After all, Tony had never given it an official name, so... could he even end something that never really existed? Maybe Anthony had just lost interest. Simple and plain.

Or maybe, he hadn't been interested in him to begin with. Maybe it had all been a trick. Just a dare. One you made with your guys after a night of heavy drinking? Barton seemed like the man to suggest something as cruel as this. Why hadn't he realized earlier? Of course Stark didn't want him. Stupid stupid stupid. He had been home alone every so often, now that he thought about it. All those Avenger events, he had never taken Loki with him, had he? But, obviously, he wasn't just ashamed of being seen with him in public – and Loki could deal with this, he would! If he would just get to keep the man of Iron! But no, Anthony just didn't want to interact with him at all, anymore. But why. He had kissed him, before leaving, had he not? He had told him he would be home soon. He had told him, he looked forward to being alone with Loki, later. He had told him... he had. Told him. Why. Why would Tony say those things when he didn't mean them? How could he be so cruel and lie to Loki? Lie to him over and over again. Evening after evening. All just for an idiotic bet? But, thinking about it, that was Tony, through and through. Was it not?

A tear found its way into Loki's eye and slowly made its way down his face, until it fell on the soft pillow. A pillow, smelling of Stark.

But maybe, maybe it had just been pity. Poor little Loki, wanted by no one. Make him feel loved and cherished for some months. Maybe even Thor had asked him to. He probably had just been a charity case. Stark did those, right? Charity work? Loki knew, he had been left home another evening before, because Anthony went to one of those charity parties. Stark had pretended to be with him, helping him to feel wanted and needed. Helping him to talk to others, to get to know them better, to start to like them. And now all the people he had almost considered his friends abandoned him, too. Following their _real_ friend. Of course. It was like always. When the other noble children realized he had no interest in presenting them to his brother. Or his brother's warrior friends, when they realized they could insult and mock him without risking Thor's wrath. Or the girls -and sometimes guys- who just too eagerly left him, once they saw, sleeping with him wouldn't bring them into Thor's bed. Honestly, it was like always. He had no friends, never would have any who would want him just for _him_. And he was alone.

It wasn't fair, of course it wasn't. He always tried. Tried so hard to befriend someone, anyone, honestly. But since he could walk, he learned over and over again, that he just wasn't made for love. He had not a single person he could call his friend, and he had met more people than most. And why would it be differently, here on Midgard. What was he thinking, seriously. It was nothing new, the pain, the pain inside, the tears, he knew them all to well. But that didn't help. Nothing did. He should just go. Before Anthony made him. They had all shown him over and over again how he wasn't really wanted. And why would he be, in the end all he was, was their enemy, was he not? Instead of just telling him, they had chosen the cruel road, slowly showing him what they thought of him. But now, finally, he had gotten the memo.

Loki straightened up, abruptly. He should leave right away, should he not? What meaning in staying any longer, right? But still, his heart ached at the thought of never being with Anthony again..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tony groaned. Only thanks to JARVIS' help he had found back on his floor. Watching the time, 5:12h, his drunk brain decided that it would be a _brilliant_ idea to got to sleep right now, so he stumbled to his bedroom and jumped on the bed as he was – with cloths, shoes and everything – and just dropped dead, without paying attention to his environment. He woke about an hour later with the urgent need to use the bathroom, so he slowly got up. JARVIS turned on the lights so Tony would find the way to the door and- Tony seemed to sober all of a sudden. He turned all of his attention to the other side of the bed.

“Loki..”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my exchange twin(love her<3) I had those two songs in my head while writing this fic (which probably caused it to be kinda sorta sad)  
> Petit Papillon from Jean Le Loup (great musician from Québec!!)  
> and Jeanny from Falco (think hes from Austria. Yes, googled it:D)  
> but seriously guys, those are two great songs, check them out!!
> 
>  
> 
> also, i always really appreciate comments:)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I just wrote the first chapter as a sad oneshot, but people've been asking me to continue this. To be frank with you, I didn't really know how to solve all of this in just one chapter, but I didn't want to “abandon” you guys who've been so nice to me and this piece of work, so it will probably become a longer story (yaay:D)  
> But that also means that I don't know yet where this will go or how fast I'll write it (but comments always motivate;)), so I hope you'll be patient with me when some updates might take longer than others. And, because I don't have a full plan of anything really, ideas are always appreciated!:)
> 
> Now, enough talking, enjoy reading!

 

He was content. To be honest, he loved his life right now. Here he was, with great people, drinking some great booze and feeling just.. great. The good liquor was nothing new, really, but the people, they were special. They weren't just people, or associates, or clients or, whatever, no, they were friends. It shouldn't be that exceptional, but it was. His only friends – except Pepper and Rhodey of course, but they weren't around all too often, so that left these group of _special_ people.

They were all broken in their own ways and that just brought them all closer. They somehow understood each other better than anyone else ever could. They understood _Tony_ and accepted him with all of his flaws and faults. He had never thought that they would become a team, but now they were his family. Tony watched the others and sighed happily. He really liked how much they were doing together these days. But not only their little team parties or movie nights, but also just talking with Steve, showing him all the “technical” things, doing science with Brucie, flying around with Thor, talking about his world and anyway who didn't like Thor – except Loki, maybe... Then there were Tasha and Clint, most badass spies in existence and they didn't even try to kill him any more. He even could always be his sarcastic self around them and that was just the best and anyway, today they even had brought some friend with some false name who was staying at the SHIELD base for a while and he was really hot, like, _really_ really hot? He wasn't the tallest, maybe, but who was Tony to complain! Dark blond hair, a bit shorter than Clint maybe, and those blue eyes, _ohmygod_ Tony just _had_ to see them dazed with pleasure and lust and _need_.

Tony then realized he had been staring and shook his head slowly. “Sorry, what did you say?” he asked hot-guy – as he called him for the lack of a name. Surely, Tasha had introduced him, but it hadn't been his real name after all, so why bother, Tony had thought.

But still, here he was, talking to the handsome spy.

The other just chuckled at Tony's clearly intoxicated state. “Never mind. What did you even-”

“Want another drink?” Tony interrupted him. “I know it's rude to interrupt but honestly, I need more alcohol cause, come on, it'll be even funnier and it's already pretty great but there can never be too much booze and it can never be too funny so what do you want cause on my watch no one stays sober, like ever, I even got Steve to-”

“Tony. Breathe.” hot-guy grinned, somewhat amused. “You're drunk already, shouldn't you be home, by now? Thought you said something about your boyfriend? Come on, I'll-”

“No, no, no, shuuush!” Tony struggled for a second to keep his balance, then he went on. “First, we drink another round, then we can talk!” the genius decided and went over to the bar, where Tasha was talking to Steve and Bruce.

“Barkeeper!” Tony grinned and almost stabbed Bruce with his fingers. “I want another round for me and hot-guy over there!” Tony demanded, looking expectantly up at his friend who apparently just promoted to barkeeper.

While Bruce hesitantly went to made the two ordered drinks, Tony caught Tasha's eyes and shivered, he wasn't entirely sure, but it she looked kinda.. pissed? He turned to Steve, he also looked at Tony, but more irritated? Why did they look at him? Was it something he had done? Or said? Tony couldn't remember, and his drunk brain somehow found it way too funny to really care about it. So he just shrugged it off, took the two glasses with a “Thanks Bruciebear!!” and went to return to hot-guy, who was now looking out of the big panorama window.

“Got you something, too.” He gave him the drink. Shaking his head, but still amused, the other accepted and carefully sipped on it.

Tony let his hand slide up hot-guys well muscled arm and stood a bit closer in his personal space. He rubbed his shoulder and then let it linger on his back.

“Uhm, Tony? What exactly are you... doing?” hot-guy asked.

Tony just wanted to answer this totally philosophical question, when he was interrupted. “Never mind, why is Tasha looking like she wants to kill you?” Hot-guy asked instead.

Tasha again, huh? That was strange... she had stopped to judge him months ago! So what was her problem? Was it... ? Oh I couldn't be because of _Loki_ , right? No, that was absurd and stupid and anyway, he had asked Loki if he wanted to come! And when his boyfriend was _too good_ for this, for their little gatherings, he had at least the right to flirt with Hawk and Tasha's mysterious friend from who-knew-where, staying with them this week doing who-knew-what. Well, Hawk and Tasha probably knew where he came from and what he was doing here but... that wasn't the point! What was important, was that it was none of her damn business! “Just ignore her, we're probably out of Vodka, or I don't know..” He took another big gulp of his drink, before he focused his whole attention on him again.

His hands wandered down hot-guys back, dangerously close to- _that ass_ , _dammit_! But before hot-guy could even react there was a slightly-on-edge voice behind him. Tasha, his drunk brain provided.

“So, where's Loki?” she asked. False smile in place. Tony registered hot-guy looking at her, but if it was relieved or accusing, he couldn't see.

“Loki didn't want to come.” Tony slurred, somewhat accusing. What kind of a boyfriend let his partner go to parties all alone, anyway?

“Well, did you even ask him to accompany you? Cause you know how insecure-”

“Of course I did Tasha, what do you think, hm?”

Well, he had told Loki he was going. And when he still didn't have the courage to ask Tony something as easy as this, if he could go with him, it really was his own fault, when maybe a drunk Tony might get a bit handsy with hot-guy here. Seriously, what did Loki expect, hm? He wasn't a cheater, but he certainly wouldn't run after Loki to accompany him to everything, when there were other hot people to look at around. Steve slowly made his way over too and hot-guy just looked uncomfortable.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's just a short chapter with not much of any plot, really, but at least I wrote sth, right?;) Anyway, hope you liked Tony's side of the story so far!  
> (I'm not sure yet if Tony is just stupidly oblivious to all of it or maybe, a bit to blame... cause I really like Tony, but it would be so much more sad when he's at least a bit of a douche.. so... any thoughts?)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki didn't have an answer. He tried to stop his brain from thinking, because with every passing second everything became even more terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!!  
> Thanks to you all I wrote this way faster than I thought I would (real life had to suffer a bit, but who cares;)), thanks for all the encouragement and love!! You guys really are the best ♥ so I hope you like the angsty, insecure Loki I got for you:))

 

Dark. There was no light at all. Just total darkness. But Loki didn't care. His sight would have been blurry from all the tears, after all, so why bother. He was just laying there, pretending to be dead. Even if death would have been a mercy. Because no matter how painful death would be to him, there was no way it would hurt more than this. Loki had been punished before. Tortured before. And betrayed before, by the few friends he had, but never had it been like this. Never before had someone used this much skill and time and patience just to destroy it all without even having to say a single word. Loki hated this. How he felt right now. And all of this crying and sobbing, but he couldn't stop himself. His heart was bleeding. Anthony had ripped it apart. He felt so small. He felt so _hollow_ , when at the same time all of him hurt, all of those feelings and sadness and agony _forced_ him to acknowledge the pain and made him think about it. When at the same time, he was so full of feels that he all but wanted to _scream_ and _scream_ and never stop, because he couldn't bear it. Couldn't bear the dreadful thought of living like this for the rest of his sad life. Or if you could call it living. For how could he live, when he wasn't whole anymore, when a part of him was missing and would never come back.

Loki didn't have an answer. He tried to stop his brain from thinking, because with every passing second everything became even more terrifying. _Life without Tony._ But how could one ban his mind from wandering around.

He knew it had to happen sooner or later. Loki wasn't like Tony, not at all. He wasn't all of those perfect things, the mortal was. And he certainly did not fit into his world, either. Anthony's world was glamour and money. It was parties, sex and brilliant technologies. But it certainly wasn't cuddling, talking about everything and nothing at all, remembering normal eating hours to have meals together, watching stupid cheesy movies, going for walks just holding hands, being watched in his workshop cause Loki just loved to see him concentrated and all working, he always was so beautiful when he tried to figure out whatever puzzle was still unsolved and the content glee in his eyes when he had made yet another genius discovery. And the moment he just remembered again that Loki was still in the lab-

That moment would never happen again. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have not seen how this wasn't was Tony needed? How Loki, stupid dumb Loki, wasn't what Tony needed, at all? Why hadn't he just changed, pretended to love those excessive parties, those expensive presents and restaurants. Why had he insisted on romantic evenings with just kisses and soft touches when he easily could have just given in to what ever Tony wanted, was it short, rough sex in the kitchen or a slow blow job on the couch. Why had he been so stupid. He could have been all Tony needed, as Tony was all Loki needed himself, right now, but he had acted too slow, and when he had finally realized that the genius was distancing himself from Loki, it had already been too late. He had still tried, waited up for hours hoping to surprise Tony, planing special dates just to be informed by JARVIS that _“Sir won't make it today”_. And when he had been home, Tony had been in his lab or otherwise busy, no matter what Loki tried.

It was several weeks until Loki finally realized that it had probably less to do with how busy Tony was with the Avengers and Stark Industries but more with just how he didn't want Loki anymore. Loki was devastated and even though he had promised himself he would never ever be dependent on anyone _ever_ again, not ever give his heart completely away again, he knew he was lost. He told himself, one more time and he would leave, but every evening, every night, every lonely Sunday morning, he said again, just once more. One last chance. He hoped so bad that he was wrong, that it was really just work, that he could trust Anthony and that he wouldn't be lied to when he said that he loved him, but then, one day, he tried to surprise his lover at work just to find out that he wasn't even there. That was the moment when Loki had to accept that it was, in fact, him. He persuaded himself to stay a bit longer, that maybe it was just a phase that would pass, once the mortal realized that Loki was a reliable constant in his life, but that day never seemed to come. So he told himself, one more time. And he was so afraid, because he knew this one last chance would pass very soon. In fact, he practically _begged_ Tony to come home early hoping he would, still trying to believe that there was nothing behind his absence, but of course he didn't. He agreed to, but he still didn't return to the god in his bed. And so Loki just knew that he was history. In the bad sense of the word. And he still loved Anthony, his sweet Anthony, with all of his heart, so he decided to not make a scene but just leave silently, instead. Because maybe that was the reason why he didn't end it officially? The fear of Loki falling back into old habits, doing something evil, acting up to forcefully get attention? But the sad and honest truth was, Loki was too broken for those playful, mischievous schemes. So Anthony wouldn't need to worry about that, he would just be gone, without a trace, not bothering anyone anymore.

The god packed his things by hand, torturing himself with all of those sentiments and after one last look around, one last look on his cell – no call from Anthony, of course – that he would be leaving behind, the photos on it just too many painful memories and it was rightfully Tony's after all, he summoned his magic and teleported himself to no specific destination, really.

Loki didn't want to leave. He really didn't. But what other choice did he have? He wasn't wanted anymore. And he loved Tony too much to be a bother to him. The other Avengers, they had been nice, of course, the had started to talk to him and invite him, too but- how could he force his Beloved to interact with him, just to humor people who were his friends first, anyway?

Once arrived in the total darkness – which he was grateful for to his seidr – he finally allowed himself to break down. He had tried to avoid showing his pathetic crying in front of the A.I. as much as possible. And in retrospect, he should have always just worn a mask at the tower, but stupid _stupid_ Loki could now remember at least three occasions where he had screamed at the invisible servant and demanded to be told where Anthony was and there were the four times he knew for sure when he had cowered on the floor, sobbing, begging the same invisible servant to just allow Loki to see the engineer once this day, but there had been no answer. And now, it was too late.

 

 

 

 

Sober. It was as if all of the alcohol in his system had just been whisked away by this one thought. _Where was Loki?_ Instantly he regretted to have stayed this long, thinking of his beautiful Loki, pouting somewhere here in the tower all alone, being just pissed enough to choose to sleep on the couch himself, but never forcing Tony to do so – and yes, that was all Loki, sweet, loving, understanding Loki, who always tried to please the others around him even as he was angry. Tony sighed. He would have to apologize in the morning, probably. He _hated_ to apologize. But Nat was right, he _had_ been kinda sorta nasty to his lover, leaving without him and not coming back as promised, but it had been just perfect with his friends, surely Loki would understand that, right? He knew that he had maybe a bit neglected Loki those last weeks, but work had been stressful and the Avengers had all of those missions and briefings and Tony also needed some time for himself, in his lab, and socializing with his friends, Loki knew that. And okay, maybe he hadn't exactly encouraged Loki to come with him tonight, but a guy also needed time with his friends, without the better half always tagging along, right? Loki also could go meet with his friends, hell he probably did all the time, or was he just sitting in this fucking tower 24/7! And it wasn't as if there were other people around, on their Team Nights... well... a sudden guilt flushed through Tony, thinking about hot-guy – he still didn't know his name. He tried to bury the unasked for feeling, but found that he couldn't. _The fuck?!_ Well, maybe he really should apologize to Loki in the morning, but not those angry ones which always ended in a stupid fight and more sleeping alone in the cold bed – still, Loki being too polite and considerate to force Anthony on the couch – no, maybe he should do one of those _flowers-and-breakfast-in-bed_ apologies. And probably buy some expensive jeweleries. Everyone loved expensive gifts, right? Especially pretty princesses like Loki, even though pretending they didn't!

And then, reality hit him in form of a throbbing headache and put a sudden halt to those thoughts. _Tomorrow_ , he decided and after finding some carefully provided painkillers on the nightstand next to his bed – probably from Loki, who else – he all but fell back in bed and tried to ignore the bad feeling deep in his stomach, telling himself it had nothing to do with his guilt and all with the alcohol.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help but write a bit of Tony too, hope you don't mind:) 
> 
> Let me know what you think or talk to me about whatever:))
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO: friendly reminder that you should all watch BACK TO THE FUTURE in two days! It's the fucking 21.10.2015 !!!!!!!! If not, you'll probably regret it till the end of times, no joke!! ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had never seen something alike and for a moment there was something akin to hope, seeing right this moment, that cold and beauty could complete each other, that maybe there was a way for him, adopted or not, to make his way through this life. To find his place, to just use the best of his different heritages. Like the mortals here on Midgard, uniting fire and ice!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this chapter really is for all of you!! i'm so glad you convinced me to continue this and make it a real story! I know it's only 4 chapters yet, but every time i just find that i really really like writing this!! (even tho I'm really slow at times..) so thank you all, really, you're so great ♥ 
> 
> Also, I am so sorry it took me AGES to write this one, I rewrote it completely like four times (not kidding) and I am still not content with the outcome.. the first try was about Tony and him coping with Loki gone but then I decided I wanted to show more of Loki so I changed everything. But then I realized that, like that, there wouldn't be any actual plot AGAIN, so I tried some Tony action once more, but that just.. wasn't right, so in the end it became Loki again (which I also changed another time, but hey:D)  
> but then I finally decided enough is enough and I also felt kinda bad for making you wait for so long so..yeah.. be kind and enjoy;)
> 
>  
> 
> little side note: I was in New York City like once, two years ago, but that's what I remember most, coming from a rather small town (more a cute little village, actually, with fields and everyone knows the neighbours and stuff..:D). Like, too many high buildings with too many people and too many colours shining brightly everywhere!! (Don't get me wrong, I really loved it!! But just for vacation, wouldn't want to live there, I guess..;))

 

 

 

Loki was staring into the glittering crystals. He had been sitting on the cold, white blanket of snow for several hours, having woken up there after an horrible night of tears and no real sleep. He had been sitting there, staring into the infinite width of silver reflecting fields and just admiring the sparkling little flashes which seemed to dance over the ground. He had thought about the snow and at first he had panicked, thinking he had somehow managed to end up on Jotunheimr, but with time the sun started to rise and with the sun came the relief. There was no sun on Jotunheimr. No beautiful reflections of it's rays on those fragile, fair ice constructs, glistening like jewels. And maybe he shouldn't have been as impressed as he was, being raised on Asgard with all of it's shiny gold and originally being from Jotunheimr, with it's coldness and it's snow, but here, on earth, those two worlds seemed to melangeso _perfectly_. Those two radical opposites melted into one perfect picture, there only was one word. Breathtaking.

He had never seen something alike and for a moment there was something akin to hope, seeing right this moment, that cold and beauty could complete each other, that maybe there was a way for him, adopted or not, to make his way through this life. To find his place, to just use the best of his different heritages. Like the mortals here on Midgard, uniting fire and ice! But then reality had hit back home and Loki had once more remembered the reason he was out here in the cold, all alone, devastated and pathetic: because no matter the beauty, no matter the perfectness, the mortals also always found a way to destroy it. And he and Tony hadn't even been perfect to begin with. _Loki_ hadn't been perfect. Loki wasn't perfect. He wasn't even normal, he was a Jotun, a _Frost Giant._ He should have died out here on the icy cold, frozen to death, but his body all but _craved_ these temperatures!

How could he have ever thought someone as shiny and perfect as Tony would want – _could_ want – a broken creature like himself. It was like Asgard and Jotunheimr, really. Tony was shiny and golden, while he himself was not compatible. Like ice, he was just too cold.

But now, he had buried those thoughts. He wouldn't let them win _again_. After all those times, in the end a lowly mortal had been right. Love _was_ for children. And just because he hadn't made any good experiences back then – it was more like _one_ experience, anyway – didn't mean that he would be fortunate now. Stupid hope.

_But no._ Loki finally stood up, the snow crunching under his feet. _Enough thinking_.

That had always been his problem. He thought to much. But not right now, not when every thought just hurt, because everything was about Anthony. He needed a distraction from the emotional pain, so he decided to just walk, until he would arrive...somewhere. And he would have to arrive, eventually!

He didn't even know where he was, to be honest. He hadn't paid attention to where his seidr had taken him, just away. Maybe it was intentionally that he landed in the ice, maybe his true nature had needed the soothing cool of snow and ice. The thought somehow frightened him more than he liked to admit. He hated being a frost giant. Despised it.

Or maybe, it had just been a coincidence, who knew.

Anyways, he started to walk, making his way through kilometres of ice and snow flakes falling from the sky. Exhaustion slowly crept into his bones, but he never stopped. It actually felt good, walking for hours in the cold snow, it almost felt … natural. So he set one foot in front of the other, and again, and again until he lost track of count.

He didn't stop until he was surrounded by complete darkness, only some stars shining brightly above him. Then, Loki came to a halt and started to stare at the dark sky. He stood there for hours, just watching the stars, wishing to be one of them, beautiful and far away. And the time he finally came back to reality again he had sunken to his knees without realizing it and his cheeks were covered in thin streaks of ice. He had cried again, he concluded.

It went like this for days, Loki walking over the ice, leaving behind a lonely trail of footsteps in the snow. He climbed every mountain in his way and survived on occasionally drinking from some melted snow alone. And not once had he felt the cold.

And then, the day came when the god saw the first sign of life in this wasteland made of ice and snow. It started with birds flying over him, indicating at least some sort of vegetation around, and then there was less snow, the temperature became higher and he saw actual green – plants. Then came the day, there was no snow no more and not far away from that, he was in the first village. Nice people, open people, also old people. They gave him some food he didn't need, but he took it anyway, and then went on with his journey. From the small village whose name he never learned, he walked on the road to another, bigger, village and so on, until he finally was in a city, with people, all talking and drinking and buying and laughing. All to loud. And still, Loki finally came to again. His spaced out brain started working once more and suddenly he was sick of walking, he didn't want to anymore, as if realizing just now for how long he had done just that. He wanted to leave, get as far away from this cold city as possible, but he still didn't feel confident enough for his subconscious – which was compromised by his aching heart – to make a solid decision such as where to go next, meaning he couldn't just use his seidr to teleport him to _wherever._ So, human traveling means it was.

That was, how a very much disguised Loki ended up on an airport, boarding a plane with fake tickets and a fake ID.

Why disguised? Well, Loki wasn't stupid, he knew there were cameras everywhere on places like this. And under _no circumstances_ did he wish to be recognized by- anyone, really!

 

Some times later, after the aircraft had touched down rather roughly – _seriously, how were so called “pilots” like that even allowed to fly? On Asgard, there were some abilities requested from them! -_ said _self proclaimed_ pilot told them about the weather here and bid them welcome in _München_ , but all Loki understood was that he was in Germany, once again and thinking of Stuttgart he decided to take the next plane available to some place else that wasn't _fucking Germany_ because hiding here, on the site of his first public appearance? Too damn obvious!

But then he was finally able to leave the plane and he was greeted with sun and birds singing and a blue sky, while the warmth of a beautiful autumn day tingled on his skin. There were colourful trees with red and yellow and orange leaves and Loki couldn't help but fall a tiny bit in love with the nature here – _and he had just left the plane!_

How would the real country look like? New York City was all skyscrapers and big buildings, flashing colours from commercial screens. Surely, it wouldn't be different here? and New York also had it's nature! There was Central Park, naturally, but also the other parks! That was botany pure, right?

And still, Loki was intrigued by this sight from the first second. So without thinking about it further, he decided to stay in this country for a while, maybe here he could heal, surrounded by nature and sun. Oh so desperately hoping that one day, everything would be right again.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the impression from landing in Munich and just seeing trees everywhere is confirmed by me, I once landed there after being in Canada for some time (over the winter), so when I returned there was still snow over there, but in Germany it was already spring with flowers and everything, so I was really shocked to see the green trees, and grass and stuff (really hadn't expected it lol) so yeah, thought it could apply to Loki too ;)
> 
>  
> 
> Like always, I am really happy to hear from all you lovely readers, so come talk to me!! :))  
> (You can also talk to me on tumblr, if you want? the-3rd-brother.tumblr.com )  
> And if any of you has some ideas for this story, please share them (or just your thoughts!!) with me ok I'm still just writing as I go without much of an ulterior plan..:p
> 
> Have a nice week ♥


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony starts to realize..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry about how long it has taken me to get back to this story!   
> I had decided to wrap this up in like 3 or 4 more chapters and made up a plan how that could have worked, but then I just couldn't get on track with that plan, I got stuck on it and just couldn't write one single word, even though I basically knew how it would go.. then the lovely [Maaarken](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Maaarken/pseuds/Maaarken) (she's also my Beta now, seriously, go check out her writing, she is great!!) got me my inspiration back and I just decided, screw it, I'm going where ever this story will take me, without any plan whatsoever, so, here finally comes the next installment!! Enjoy:)
> 
> The next one (hopefully;)) shouldn't take that long, since I already have it half written!!

 

 

Tony woke up as he did most times after coming home late from an evening out - with a throbbing headache. And as always, his first move was pure instinct. Searching for some painkillers and swallowing them dry. After that, he fell back into bed and stayed there for another half hour, until he finally felt well enough to try to get up and maybe get some coffee. 

Coffee was what kept him running, especially after a long night!

So he slowly made his way to the kitchen where he half expected Loki to sit and demonstratively eat his breakfast - just to taunt him with the smell - but when he arrived, he was all alone. At first he thought he was glad about that, because it meant no mean comments, loud arguments or disappointed looks, but then he realized that being totally ignored was even worse - especially since it wasn’t a simple  _ I am mad at you so I won’t speak to you _ -ignoring, no it was more like Loki was so mad that he didn’t even care about showing Anthony  _ how  _ mad he was, he was so mad that he didn’t want to  _ see _ or  _ acknowledge _ Anthony and had just hidden himself away without a word. 

And that total radio silence was what somehow unnerved Tony. Normally, when people were mad, they wanted the other to know so that they would change something. But right now, Loki did not display that expected behavior that was usually so Loki-like. _ He wasn’t even here to display it _ .

The rattling sound of the coffee machine pierced right into his head.

“JARVIS, remind me to build a better coffee machine later, this one is way too loud for this early hour!” 

If the A.I. could sigh, he would have done so now. “Sir, it is almost 2 o’clock in the afternoon., I doubt that counts as an _ early hour _ , even for you!”, came the dry response from above.

“Fuck me! Afternoon already?  _ Shit! _ Loki is probably so pissed right now!”

“Well… I wouldn’t attribute any irate feelings to Mr. Laufeyson’s current emotional state, if that was your question, Sir.”

Now it was Tony’s turn to sigh. JARVIS, always trying to be “helpful”. With major quotation marks. 

“Dammit Jarv, I’m not up for your riddles yet. Where is Reindeer Games, anyway?”

Another hesitation. Tony would have to recheck the programmings, but it had to be a simple thing to fix out of the A.I.’s system, those pauses before speaking. When had it even started? He couldn’t remember noticing any such problems in the last weeks at all!

“Mr. Laufeyson has left the tower, Sir.” 

Hm, it didn’t seem to be a problem with the speaker sensors! Well, he would make an overall check-up later, after talking to the Norse god.

“Good, tell him that- wait, what? He  _ isn’t  _ in the tower? But where would he go? When’ll he come back? Is he okay?” 

The coffee seemed to finally show its effect, or maybe it was the slight panic that started to flood his body, but the genius was once again capable of talking loud and fast. 

“Jarv, come on, skip the weird pauses you’ve started to make before every phrase you speak, and just tell when I should expect him back! Maybe I can arrange a nice dinner or whatever sappy thing he likes… Make a list for me, with a couple of things Loki would appreciate, will ya? I need to make it up to him, I guess-”

“Sir … you know how much I hate interrupting your ramblings, but there seems to have been a misunderstanding. When I said that Mr. Laufeyson left, I didn’t mean to imply that he is currently not in the tower. What I intended to say was that he had indeed left. I am sorry, Sir, but my programmings do not let me draw any conclusions, as to when Mr. Laufeyson might possibly return.”

If possible, JARVIS’ voice sounded compassionate. “I really am sorry, Sir. I wish I could have helped.”

Then there was silence. Tony was just standing there, not understanding what the A.I. had just told him. Not  _ wanting _ to understand. He tried to grasp it, to hold the truth, turn it, touch it, look at it from every angle, like he always did with his work. But there was just that one word, that echoed in his head.

“Gone? Do you… do you mean he is  _ gone _ now?” the genius whispered. 

For a lack of a helpful response, his disembodied butler remained silent once more. He was programmed to help and assist his creator. To support him. Yes, to even care for him. But this was a new situation and JARVIS was at a loss. None of his codes could help him now, because Sir had never even thought of programming him for this eventuality. JARVIS learned of course, much much faster than any other being there was, but the internet was just full of lots of  _ useless _ tips for this situation that wouldn’t help Sir at all, and he himself had never witnessed his creator in such a situation. So the A.I. kept quiet.

“Where would he go?” the genius asked. Himself more so than JARVIS.

“ _ Why _ would he go?” he then concluded his question.

“Was it because of yesterday? JARVIS, he must know that doesn’t mean anything! And I  _ am _ sorry for bailing on him like that and leaving him here! And I promise I’ll be home on time from now on!”

Silence again.

“Fuck this shit, he’ll be back in a couple of hours anyway!” 

Tony turned to lean on the kitchen table. He still hadn’t really processed the whole situation and was just trying to convince himself. He just couldn’t believe that Loki would just do exactly what he had apparently done now. Leave.

“He will be back Jarv, right?” came then the next question, quieter this time. “I mean he has to! He can’t just up and leave, without a word! Can he?” 

Again, there was no response.

He slowly began to remember his returning home last night, finding an empty bed with no Loki. 

_ How could he have been so stupid? How could he have ignored his absence last night?! _

“Jarv, could you just answer me please, your silence is freaking me out even more! I know you just want to protect me from whatever you think I need protection from but. Just… tell me your assessment of this mess, even if you think I don’t want to hear it!”

Then, much softer, “Please?”

The A.I. was at a loss. He wanted to protect the genius, but he didn’t know how. Finally, he decided on the plain, hard truth. Sooner or later, Master Stark would have to deal with it anyway. “Sir I don’t think he will be returning anytime in the foreseeable future, as you hoped. I am sorry to crush your hopes, but Mr. Laufeyson appeared quite sure of what he was doing. When you look around later on, you will also find all of his personal belongings gone. He packed them earlier this night and took them with him, when he left the tower. I know I am not made to feel …  _ emotions _ … but Sir, believe me when I say that I am sorry!”

And for the first time in his existence, JARVIS felt utterly helpless.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope, any of you are still reading this! If so, tell me what you think?:)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony slowly begins his not-coping process

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, many thanks to my beta [Maaarken](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Maaarken/pseuds/Maaarken)

 

 

Two hours had passed since the revelation, and Tony Stark still had not completely grasped the truth. After JARVIS’ words he had started to look around and indeed found that all of Loki’s belongings were gone. It hurt.

What hurt even more was that the things that Tony had given him were still here. His cell phone, for one. So no way to just up and call him, talk about things and solve this situation. _Dammit Loki._

He also found that several books that he had bought solely for Loki, some souvenirs from all over the world and other things that either reminded Loki of him or -in Loki’s mind at least- did not clearly belong to the god himself had been left at the tower. Anyway, after finding the proof of Loki’s absence he had started to almost erratically search for a note, a sign, _anything_ from Loki, left for him, filled with explanations or maybe even the prospect of a possible future reconciliation, but nothing. All he found was the silence and the empty space tall god had left. An empty space that he hadn’t even noticed his lover had occupied, but now that he was gone, the Loki-sized hole clawed wide open.

He didn’t know what to do anymore. He needed his friends.

But Pepper had flown to god knows where, she had probably told him but like always he had forgotten of course, and Rhodey was away on a mission, not to be contacted, disturbed or _whatever the fuck else you might think of Tony, ‘cause this one is important alright! Call Pepper when there’s a problem, I’ll call you when I’m back!_

So Rhodey was off limits, too, because despite what people always said, Tony could be a good person and respect his friends’ wishes, even though it wouldn’t even be a challenge to hack the military’s database and find out where Rhodey currently was and then fly there just to talk to him… but no, Tony was a good friend and would not do that.

So that only left the Avengers. But even though Tony would call them his friends now, he still wasn’t sure if he could confide in them. Thor was an absolute no go, he would probably beat Tony to a pulp when he found out that his precious brother was gone because of him. Clint was … difficult. He didn’t even know if the archer liked Loki these days or still hated him and just pretended to tolerate him. All in all, it was too unclear a situation to ask Clint for help. Natasha was a bad choice too. He remembered how fiercely she protected Loki every time something had happened, so she would probably just assume everything was Tony’s fault (as it was, to at least 88%, he would admit that! But, Loki could have said something too, right? Talk about stuff, tell him if he had a problem and not just off and leave!) and tear his eyes out or whatever. So, no russian spy! Sam would probably just do what Cap would do and Steve himself was nice, but. He was from another time, from decades ago. Things were different now and not everything could be solved with flowers or whatever crap he would surely suggest. That just left Bruce. And Bruce was a good person, Science Bros and all that but he was Bruce. And The Other Guy still hated Loki. Probably. Most certainly! Well, nobody knew for sure and Bruce always insisted that he didn’t, but no one ever wanted to test that theory so there was no prove.

So, Tony realized, there really was no one around right now to help him with this, besides JARVIS maybe, and wasn’t that a scary thought. In the last months and years he had gotten so used to the team being around and them meddling with his affairs - helping, as _they_ called it - so that now, that no one would understand, Tony felt so much more desperate somehow.

He usually wasn’t a person that always asked for help, but the Avengers had proven to be much like Rhodey and Pepper, they became his family and seemed to realize when something was off and just took it upon themselves to support and help him whenever he needed them to.

Loki would know what to do now! How to behave and all that shit, to make everything better and the bad things just magically disappear. But that was the thing, wasn’t it? Loki wasn’t here. Because Tony had blown it. And Tony wouldn’t be Tony if he didn’t just cope with it in his own special way: not at all. He was a genius and his brain could do things, that other people wouldn’t even dream of! But one thing he couldn’t do at all was dealing with emotional situations. He generally avoided those, but when that wasn’t an option, he just plain ignored them. Stored them far away somewhere in his head to be forgotten and never thought about again. Because it was so much easier to just keep it all inside, forget and pretend than to talk and let the pain become something real.

So Tony suddenly turned around, probably startling JARVIS - had he been a human being at least - and stalked to the elevator.

“Jarv, lab.” he whispered, fighting with sudden tears that he didn’t want to - _wouldn’t allow to_ \- fall, before taking a deep, shuddering breath, blinking away the wet in his eyes and then desperately attempting some form of conversation with his A.I. to end the unbearable silence that just seemed to down him.

“Put the lab on lockdown, J.”

“Most certainly Sir! I had already assumed that would be your course of action.” came the prompt reply.

Well, at least there were no pauses before speaking anymore. Maybe it had been a temporary occurrence?

“What was up with your speaking earlier anyway?” the genius asked distractedly. Everything was a better than thinking about how the God of Mischief had left him, without saying one single word. Why hadn’t he talked to Tony about whatever had driven him away? Why didn’t he just say something, try to work it out? Was Tony not worth it? Had Loki just used him after all? Had he gotten bored of his _mortal_ lover? Had-

Thankfully the british voice interrupted the turmoil of Tony’s dark thoughts.

“I guess you refer to my pausing before answering your questions regarding Mr. Laufeyson. That was my more … humane side, that you decided to _gift_ me with, Sir. Over thinking before speaking seems to be a common thing for humans, when emotional counterparts are involved.” came the rather dry answer.

“Naaw, that you telling me you like me, Jarv?” the genius teased back, forgetting the rather unpleasant situation at hand  for a short moment.

“Always, Sir. Your programming allows me nothing else.”

“You getting smart with me, boy?” Tony chuckled, but perfectly aware of the sincere tone of his butler’s statement.

_At least JARVIS would always stay loyal to him_ , he thought, slowly getting out of the elevator that had now arrived at his lab.

“Put on some music, J, will ya?”

He made his way over to his workbench, twisting his fingers through the air and opening some holograms of his next projects for Stark Industries and the Avengers. Finally deciding on a mere upgrade Pepper had bugged him about for _weeks_ now, he started to get working, humming along to the Scorpions, JARVIS’ music of choice for now, blaring out of the speakers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your responses to the last chapter! I really love your feedback, it means so much to me:)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay the team, finally! And some minor background on Tony and Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the words just kept coming to me, this one is longer than normally... enjoy!

  

It went on like that for days. Tony kept working in a frenzy and forgot all about green eyed gods and empty beds. It wasn't even a conscious decision just made to forget about his missing lover, maybe it had begun like that but once the genius got started on a project, he could forget all about the outside world. Sleep? Food? That was for normal people! Sure, after days of being awake and working he too would fall asleep on the spot sometimes, but he would always wake after a few hours and continue where he had left off. In those times, coffee was the only thing keeping him alive in - and probably his bots and JARVIS, because they were the ones who supplied him with the dark liquid. 

It was at times like those that Tony Stark hated having people who cared for him, because after some days of zero communication they would start to worry and try to check on him and then after, as a result, force him to stop working and eat and sleep and he  _ hated _ it because how could he pause when he was  _ in the middle of something so important! _

After, of course, when he had finished everything and could think normal once again, he would be silently grateful because if it weren't for those annoying interrupting friends he would probably die some day over a project out of sleep deprivation and malnourishment, but in the moment itself, when all those thoughts and ideas and  _ moments of genius  _ just danced around in his head, screaming at him to be let out, to be made use of, to be put outside in the real world and to be shaped and built into real objects and things he just couldn't stop. He couldn't ignore the screaming and rushing of those thoughts and concepts, they needed to be materialized and until then they wouldn't stop and Tony couldn't rest. But normal people rarely understood, because Tony’s brain worked so different from the rest of them.

Loki had understood. Rather than forcing him to interact with other living beings or demanding he come up to eat with him and then to bed later, he got what kept Tony up. In his youth he had been much the same, often being caught up in his studies, trying to perfect a new spell, needing to gain power over another, just recently discovered part of his Seiðr  _ so much _ that everything else just blurted into the background until it wasn't there anymore at all. His mind would solely focus on the matter at hand, because in that moment to master the unknown was  _ the most important  _ and he couldn't stop until he had done so. 

These days Loki only rarely got completely consumed by this urge to perfect a new spell anymore, there were of course still hundreds of thousands of enchantments that he yearned to know, but one day, after another one of Tony’s working episodes, they had talked about it and Loki had told him how, with every year that he got older and wiser, he had slowly mastered the art to keep himself in check and not be controlled by this need any longer. They had talked for hours and Tony started to believe the god that some day he too would be able to control his mind, not the other way around, and until then Loki would be there for him, helping him to get through.

Yeah, Loki had truly understood, so he had brought Tony his meals down to the workshop in hope of the genius absently eating it when it was just there and otherwise had left Anthony to his work. In some ways, the two had been perfect together.

But now, Loki wasn't in the picture anymore, so after some days with no sign of life from the genius for several days, his friends and teammates naturally started to worry. Their tries to contact him were for naught, obviously, but they couldn't reach Loki either, so that was what got their attention. Because as unreliable as Tony was when it came to keeping in touch with them, his lover was quite the opposite in this regard. Every time Tony had been in one of his working fits or just unwilling to interact with anyone for an extended amount of time, it had been the black haired god who had answered their calls and reassured them that  _ Anthony's fine _ , but not so this time. All calls went unanswered and after almost a week of absolute radio silence - and even one ignored Avengers’ assembling - they finally decided to team up and check on the missing genius. Because as annoying as he sometimes was, he was still their team mate and, even more importantly, their friend.

 

The Avengers stood in the communal area Tony had built on one of the floors. There was a kitchen - with a refrigerator still always freshly filled with all the things they liked even though none of them lived regularly in the tower anymore - and of course several bathrooms, a living area with a big TV screen and several big couches and armchairs where they had often had their regular movie nights and still did, but no sign of either Tony or Loki here.

“Well let's go to their floor, shall we?” Steve proposed. 

“Maybe we should try to sneak in!” Clint grinned. “JARVIS said they were in the tower after all! They've probably been going at it like rabbits and just decided to ignore the outside world!” 

To be exact, the A.I.s answer to the question where they both were was a simple “Sir is inside the tower, Captain.” but they would soon enough find out on their own that Loki wasn't here, so JARVIS didn't deem it necessary to correct him.

Natasha only snorted to Clint’s idea, but Thor seemed highly uncomfortable at the thought of his little brother having any sexual relations at all. 

“Maybe we should just leave my brother and the Man of Iron in peace, it has been but a week…” the thunder god slowly suggested but Steve shook his head.

“They can't be doing …  _ making love  _ for one week straight! Something is off here and we need check if they're okay!”

“You sure they can't Steve? You forget Loki is a god with magic powers! I'm sure there's no limits to what he  _ can do _ !” 

Steve faintly blushed at Clint’s remark but decided to ignore it and just walked in the direction of the elevator. 

“Guess we'll just have to find out then!” the archer laughed before he set to follow Steve with the rest of the team in tow.

Once they arrived at the floor shared by the genius and the god, they hesitated for a second but then entered anyway.

“Well they shouldn't allow us up here when they're doing something they don't want us to see right?” Clint shrugged but it was Bruce who snorted at that. 

“I’m pretty sure it's not them that would be afraid of us seeing something we shouldn't! I've already surprised them  _ several times  _ in the workshop and let me tell you, it's not a sight I want to see again anytime soon!” 

Natasha’s cackling was met with a stern look from Bruce. “I’m not kidding, Nat! Tony has no sense of privacy and neither does Loki, or so it seems!” 

“Nay, on Asgard it is quite common to-” Thor started but was then interrupted by a now furiously blushing Captain.

“Let's just focus on the matter at hand shall we? And no more stories of post-battle orgies on Asgard, Thor!” he scolded with a stern voice and then proceeded to step out of the elevator on his friend’s private floor.

“Tell me all about it later, Thor, will ya?” Clint sniggered at an overenthusiastically nodding Thor. 

“I shall tell you all about our glorious battles and the feasts that follow after! But the good captain doesn’t seem to care to learn about our traditions so we should trade war stories over a beer or two this evening!”

The redheaded spy groaned at the prospect of the night to come and decided then and there that she would invite herself to Steve's place and just watch Disney movies with him, no need to be in the apartment when Clint had Thor over! Maybe she would invite Loki too, that probably depended on the situation they would find them in though. No need to tease the poor captain even more by having an exhibitionist Norse god over just hours after seeing him having sex or whatever, so yeah, it would depend on the situation.

But as they continued to wander through the couple’s floor, it quickly became apparent that no one was there either, hadn't been for some time apparently as the black widow stated noticing the thin layer of dust that had settled over everything. 

“Okay that is slightly weird…” Clint admitted. “So what does that mean, they went on a spontaneous vacation without telling anyone or what?” he sounded thoughtful now, a bit worried even. 

“You forget that JARVIS said they were still in the tower!” Bruce said uncomfortable, now clearly preferring if he would have found them in a compromising situation than not at all. 

“Aye, and it's not like my brother to just leave without letting me know… He tells me everything. He trusts me completely again, he even let's me call him brother again!” Thor smugly explained.

“Yes, yes, we know, he forgave you for  _ whatever  _ it was that you had apparently done wrong, blah blah, you've only told us about a million times big guy!” Clint whined, being sick of hearing that particular story about the  _ miracle _ over and over again.

“I wronged him deeply when we were children! And I have you know that I let him down so many times, that it is indeed very gracious and generous of him to accept me back in his life. But Loki has always been a forgiving person!” Thor continued nonetheless, quick to defend his beloved brother’s honour and narrowing his eyes at the archer.

“Yeah, whatever.” 

“Guys! Stop it!” Steve snapped. They had had that conversation too many times now, Clint always being quick to antagonize and Thor falling for it every damn time.

“I just think it's weird how Loki is the one who attacked us and yet it's Thor who needed to earn his forgive-”

“Shut up, Clint!” Now it was Natasha who got annoyed by their never ending bickering. “You too, Thor!” she continued, seeing how Thor had opened his mouth to reply to Clint’s words.

“Well, we should go look for them in Tony’s workshop.” Bruce suggested. “But it is weird… Tony? Sure he could go weeks just being down in the lab, but I just can't picture Loki being there with him the whole time, wouldn't he get bored after a day or two? I mean it just doesn't sit right with me that apparently no one was up here in a week and with them both ignoring all calls?”

“That's not like Loki, you're right Bruce. At least not like the Loki we've gotten to known those last months!” Natasha agreed, the rest of the team slowly nodded. It was indeed fairly suspicious. 

“JARVIS you are sure they are both here and well?” Even though Steve knew the A.I. wouldn't be wrong, he needed to check it again. And the british voice promptly replied.

“I never made any comments on Mr. Laufeyson’s whereabouts or his well-being, but I can assure you that Sir is in his workshop, exhausted, but other than that completely fine.”

The heroes looked at each other. That didn't sound ominous at all.

“Tell me now, voice that speaks to us, where is my brother!” Thor was the first to demand.

“I am afraid I can't help you with that Mr. Odinson.” 

The blond god clenched his fists and suddenly seemed to radiate anger off of himself in waves. Bruce swallowed, that was exactly what he needed right now.

Natasha saw the struggle and pulled Thor aways from Banner. “Let's not jump to conclusions! Let's go down and ask Tony, I'm sure there's a completely reasonable explanation for this!” 

Natasha was pretty sure there was no such thing, but why cause panic before they really knew everything.

“Also Thor, maybe let's stay calm and not antagonize the big guy with those angry vibes, hm?”

Thor slowly nodded. “Yes of course…” He took a deep breath. “I am sorry, you're right, let's ask Anthony first and not jump to conclusions. Surely my brother is fine. And Anthony too.”

And with that they made their way down to Tony’s supposed current location. They exited the elevator and tried to gain access to the lab, but the doors remained closed. 

Steve cleared his throat. “JARVIS, could you let us in please?” He asked.

“I am truly sorry Captain Rogers, but Sir has activated a certain protocol that keeps me from letting any means of outside communication through to him.” 

“I wonder what the real name of this protocol is!” a grinning Clint whispered to Romanov, but apparently the A.I. overheard.

“Actually, Mr. Barton, that is the real name,  _ A Certain Protocol  _ is what Sir has decided to call it.”

“Oh…” 

Now it was Natasha’s time to snigger. “Well that certainly shut him up, JARVIS! Now that that is clear, do you think you could convince Tony to allow us inside?”

There were a couple of seconds of silence, then: “I cannot relay any messages, Miss Romanov.” He sounded apologetic.

“You must able to-” started Thor.

“However”, the A.I. interrupted firmly, “I can certainly talk to Sir of my own accord and maybe convince him to let me open the door for you.” he concluded.

“Thank you JARVIS, that would be great. It really is urgent that we talk to him.” Steve added. So they waited. For several minutes they heard nothing from JARVIS and even though there was no real evidence that something bad had happened, all five of them felt somewhat uneasy. They couldn't even place the feeling, but this absolute radio silence from  _ both  _ of them didn't sit right with either of the Avengers, so when JARVIS spoke up again, they all hoped it was with an affirmative answer. 

“Sir has declined my request to allow you in.”

Those were exactly the words no one had wanted to hear. But then again, what had they expected from Tony after nearly a week of isolation.

“Okay you know what JARVIS? This is getting ridiculous. Tony can't just expect us not to worry! We're a team, he's a part of it so he has to deal with the consequences!”

Bruce raised his eyebrows at Steve. What was he getting at?

“I'm overriding his order.”

“I can't do this without the correct overriding code, Captain Rogers!” The A.I. sounded amused. 

Steve on the other hand rolled his eyes, then he sighed. “Okay. Overriding code  _ Don't Fucking Do This Steve I'm Telling You Leave Me The Fuck Alone One Two Three. _ Happy now?”

Clint erupted into a giggling fit while Nat playfully scolded him -  _ Language!  _ \- which caused Steve to blush a faint pink in return. Thor just remained confused and Banner shook his head. “Figures that Tony would choose something like  _ that  _ to be your overriding code!” 

But, not a second later, JARVIS voice came out of the speakers again: “Correct code, Captain. Opening the door for you now.”

And just like that they all perched into Tony’s workshop.

 

Tony finally looked up from what he was currently working on when he heard how JARVIS - the traitor - opened the door to let the Avengers in. Steve must have used his overriding code, a shame he hadn’t been there to see him saying those words in person, but he would definitely watch the video feed from it later. Several times. And then probably post it online.

“Nice code you get there for Stevie, man!” Clint grinned.

“Yeah, I liked the touch with the numbers at the end, no one would have ever hacked that!” That was Bruce. Tony just waggled his eyebrows at them. “So what are you doing here? Oh and Steve, FYI, I’m deeply hurt by the violation of my privacy here, just so you know and can start thinking of ways to apologize to me already.” 

Steve shook his head. “Stay serious, guys. Tony, we were worried about you! You can't just block out all communication without telling us where you are or what you're doing!”

“Oh come on, gramps, stop your scolding right there. I'm a grown ass man and I can do as I please. And it's not the first time I've been under for days, working, anyway!”

“Tony! This is different okay. Normally Loki would answer our calls and assure us that you are fine and he's taking care of you but this time  _ no one  _ answered. You even missed an  _ Avengers assemble call _ ! How can you be so irresponsible! I mean, yeah we expect that from you, but now Loki too? Stop corrupting the guy!”

“Woah! Stop it right there-” the genius started, settled on confrontation, but was interrupted by a deeply offended Thor.

“You better choose your words wisely friend Steve, for I will not just stand by as you insult my brother!” 

Steve sighed. “You're right Thor, I'm sorry, this is of course not Loki’s fault. What I was simply trying to say is that this time not even Loki answered our multiple calls and that you better have a good explanation, why you couldn't just answer  _ one  _ simple phone call to tell us everything is okay!” Steve's voice got louder to the end. 

Tony just looked at them all. Suddenly it came all rushing back.  _ Loki had left. _

“So?” Steve prompted, this whole situation getting on his nerves. He hated when he had to be stern with his team. But they had been  _ worried  _ about Tony, couldn't he understand that?

“That's..” Tony started, furiously blinking back the tears that threatened to spill at the thoughts of last week’s revelations because Stark men didn't cry.

_ Had it been a week already? _

Then, whispering: “It's because everything is not okay.”

Five pairs of eyes sharply set on Tony Stark. “What do you mean, it's not? What’s going on Tony?” the Captain demanded to know, the concern clear in his voice, but they all were just met with silence. Natasha studied their friend thoughtfully before finally coming to a conclusion: “It's got to do with Loki, right? Why he's not here and all that. What happened, Stark?” Her voice had an icy edge to it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make the writer happy!! So tell me what you think?:))


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basicly just a bit of Loki's day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally managed to finish this chapter, so yay! I hope the next one won't take me as long, but no promises.. ;)
> 
> And as always many thanks to my good friend and beta [Maaarken](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maaarken/pseuds/Maaarken) !! You're the best ♥

 

Loki walked through the bavarian town, eyes big with wonder. Even though it had been some days already since he had been here, the amazement never seemed to cease, no matter how often he saw the same things. Streets, houses, little shops, everything was so different from Asgard, from New York even! No golden buildings that seemed to outshine and drown everyone at the same time, no shouting in the street from people trying to sell their goods, no hectic atmosphere because here, everyone seemed to have all the time in the world. No one was too busy to greet their neighbour with a smiled “Hello, how are you?” and no one was too rushed to stop for a little chat with someone they knew. And even though Prince Loki knew no one here and no one stopped to talk to him, he still enjoyed this strange familiarity everyone here seemed to have with each other. He relished those moments of peace that seemed to soothe his mind because for too long he hadn’t been able to just … float. But here, in watching those calming people, in being an outsider just looking in on the tiniest aspects of strangers’ life, he found that tranquility he hadn’t known he had yearned for. And he drank it all right in.

He slowly continued strolling through the village, all the while paying attention to everything and nothing at the same time, but he came to a sudden halt when he bumped into something. Someone, he realized a second later and immediately started apologizing, since this collision had been his fault by not paying attention to where he went.

“I am sorry, my lady, for this incident is entirely on me, I will compensate you for any damage done, of course!”

In front of the dark haired prince stood an elderly woman, maybe sixty, seventy-ish in Earth-years who looked strangely at him at first, then, as if suddenly understanding what had been said, her face changed into a smile. A smile so warming and nice that Loki couldn’t help but reciprocate it. He studied her face, pale skin but not as pale as him, more rosy, really, her kind eyes that had seen so much, bad things, the war, the destruction, the pain and also good things, family, her grandchildren, the beauty of simplicity. She led a good life, one she was content with and wouldn’t want to trade and suddenly the dark prince felt such a longing. He wanted that too.

“Oh no worries young man, no harm done!” the friendly lady reassured him and even though the words she spoke sounded so different from how the Avengers talked, Loki understood her as she had understood him. All-speak was a useful thing, except for the fact that Loki would have liked to learn other earth languages, there were so many of them he had been told!

“Maybe I can help you? You look a bit lost! Are you here on vacation? That’s a bit … unusual though, we rarely get guests here that aren’t somehow tied to one of the families here… Tell me, what’s your name? Are you here all by yourself, must get lonely! Oh don’t worry, you just come over for coffee and cake tomorrow, my children come visit me so I’ll bake something anyways!” And she sounded way too excited about the prospect of helping a lost person, Loki didn’t know what to make of it exactly. Her many questions made him suspicious by nature but deep down he knew how ridiculous that was. The alien god just didn’t know why someone, any human, really, would just … invite a stranger to eat with them and their family.

“Oh no, that’s really not necessary! I’m just … out here to … to get away, really.” he deflected.

“Away? Away from what? Nice young man like you must have the girls all over him, hm? I, for a start, know for sure my granddaughters have posters hanging all over their rooms with men that look like you!”

“Ehm…” Loki coughed. “I would rather not talk about it, if it’s all the same to you…” he finished weakly. And immediately the old lady’s look changed into a worried one.

“Oh honey of course… young love, hm?” she smiled sadly but nostalgic and then proceeded to lay a reassuring hand on his upper arm.

“It might feel unbearable and all-consuming right now, but you just believe me, it will get better with time. It will.”

Hot tears sprang into his green eyes and all of the sudden he became angry, how dare this mortal tell him _anything_ about his feelings!

Startling her he pulled his arm out of her grip and turned away from her with an infuriated expression on his face. She knew _nothing_ about him or the situation he was in! _Nothing at all!_

“Oh _Schätzen_ *,” she sighed, “I have seen love and pain, believe me. And it all will go away eventually. I know that doesn’t help you right now, but just know that it will get better. In the meanwhile, just eat ice cream and chocolate, hm? You’ll be okay... “ And she sounded so sincere, how could Loki possibly tell her off. After all it wasn’t her fault he had been fooled by his beloved.

Slowly he started to wipe away the few tears that had spilled.

_“Resi!”_

He heard a male voice shout from over the street and then the soft hand of the older woman was back on his arm. “I have to go, my husband is waiting…” she sighed, then grinned. “The old fool can’t seem to survive even just five minutes without me!”

Involuntary Loki grinned back.

“But the invitation for tomorrow still stands, so … see you?” with that the strange but kind lady turned around to walk over to her husband.

_“Resi wo woarst na du, wer isn des do? A ge du redst scho wiedr fui z fui! Lass doch a moi die armen Leit in rua...”*_

Their conversation slowly faded into the background as they walked away in the opposite direction, leaving Loki standing there, all by himself again, realizing that the lady had never even told him where she lived.

He continued standing there for another couple of minutes before he slowly started to make his way back. It didn’t take too long until he found himself in front of a door. _His door_ , Loki reminded himself. He had been gifted this apartment by an elderly man in exchange for money, _rent_ , as the mortals called it. He had never understood that principle, why would anyone want to live in a house that he couldn’t fully call his own?

Now he was glad humans practiced this strange custom.

He put his key into the slit, turned it and finally was able to step into his sanctuary. Another strange thing. Keys. On Asgard he had only needed his magic or most of the time nothing at all, the guards normally opened the doors in the palace. And on earth, Anthony had had his bodiless voice, that could give him access to all the rooms. Life on Midgard was odd.

He put his bag with groceries that he had _bought himself_ with _actual money_ on the table in the little kitchen. If he was being honest, he was proud of himself. Going outside, buying food and supplies instead of just whisking them out of thin air with his magic kind of grounded him, it was a nice feeling. It was almost like a guideline he could grab in those difficult times. But he wouldn’t think of them! No, not when he could help it.

The first time he went shopping in this little village had almost been a small adventure! It had been difficult to find a store that sold what he needed, it wasn’t as he had come to know. There were no big malls with many shops in it or even just one big store that sold about everything, no, in the village here was one small market that sold fresh fruits, freshly baked goods and other local things to eat, that had a pretty basic stock of the average groceries and daily used utensils and not much more. So after finally finding this store, _Dorfladen_ as it was called, and deciding on what he would want to buy, he remembered, just in time, that he had left this small card which magically paid for everything in the Stark Tower along with all the other things. But Loki wasn’t his brother, he had bought things for himself back in Asgard and even on Earth, without the card of VISA, so he knew how money worked and what it looked liked.

It had been no biggie for the God of Mischief to create several 20$ notes to pay for everything, but as smart as the Prince was, he hadn’t taken into account that he wasn’t in the US no more. So the nice cashier told him with an apologetic face that they only accepted german money, _Euro_ she had said it was called.

It was an honest mistake Loki had made, not taking into account how disrupted all of Midgard still was and how most lands had their own money, of course. Since language luckily wasn’t a problem, it didn’t take long for him to figure out what the european money looked like and after paying with the right currency, he had left. This time, of course, everything had gone smoothly.

Loki unpacked all the things he had brought home with, there was still dirty, fresh salad, tomatoes, cucumber and also fresh cheese, milk and a spaghetti. Once everything was on the kitchen table, he started with washing the ingredients for the salad in the sink. Cutting it all up and mixing came next and finally he tried that new dressing he had read about in a cooking magazine, that had been given to him for free. Content with the salad, Loki now turned his attention to the spaghetti and the tomato sauce. After putting the pasta into boiling water, he started on the sauce and made it without any incident until he came to the stirring part. All it needed was a tad too energetic stir and sauce suddenly splashed out of the pot, on the stove and Loki himself. He froze. The first time he had cooked with Anthony it had been a similar affair. They had made an attempt _Tagliatelle_ instead of Spaghetti, but the rest had been fairly the same and it all had ended with them both covered in italian sauce, licking it off of each others faces.

Oh by the Norns, how could he have thought to ever find the strength to be over a man as formidable as Anthony!

A sob started to escape his throat as the tears slowly gathered in his eyes.

_Just go back to him!_ a voice whispered in his mind. And maybe he should just do that. Maybe, if he begged and made it worth the Man of Iron’s while, maybe then he would be taken back. And Loki, Prince of Asgard, would just accept all the other concubines his lover decided to keep beside him, if only he would have him again! Because in this moment, right there, it all was so dark and a life without Anthony didn’t seem worth living.

Slowly sinking to his knees he started to think about it in earnest. Would he be capable of sharing his lover with others? Of living with the knowledge that he alone wasn’t enough?

The tears started to stream down his cheeks and with them his last resolve fell. Right then and there on the kitchen floor, completely blending out the hot water boiling over on the stove, he broke down completely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * basicly, what he's saying (in a very bavarian dialect) is that his wife should stop harassing strangers by just chatting to them about whatever, and all in a very old-married-couple kind of tone.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Loki (over)thinking stuff and yeah, that's basicly it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, people!! I hope 2018 will be a good one for every single one of you :))
> 
>  
> 
> Also, warning for this chapter: Self Harm! Don't read if it might trigger you!!

 

Slowly, Loki opened his eyes. Feeling how swollen they were, he remembered his breakdown, how exhausted he had suddenly become and just laid down right here on the kitchen floor, crying himself to sleep. Embarrassment flooded him, at how he had allowed Anthony yet again to influence his life, even after Loki had sworn to himself to ban the genius from his every thought and to no longer give him power over his emotions. 

_ Failed. _

There it was again, this dark voice in his head that - even though he hated to admit it - was always right. All Loki did was failing. He himself was a failure! No matter what he did, no matter where he went, he destroyed everything and people everywhere acted accordingly. 

Thor, who had known this since they were children and always abandoned him to play with his friends,  _ better  _ people.

The Allfather, who always prefered Thor no matter what he did and had been harsher on Loki when they were children  _ because he too knew what the raven haired Prince was. _

The people of the Court. Thor’s warrior friends. The guards. All of them had always known no matter how hard Loki had tried. They had sneered at him, rattled him out, insulted and blamed him regardless of his action.

And even now on Midgard they all knew and all hated him because of it. He had hoped so hard that it would have been different, but no one liked him. Period. Everyone saw right through him, saw this ugly darkness inside of him and turned against him. He should have been used to it by now, really. 

So what if the common people of Asgard had loved their younger prince. What if they had been nice and kind to him, that didn't mean it would be the same in Earth. The People back home just hadn't interacted with him often enough to reject him, that was the only reason, really! 

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid,  _ to get his hopes up and for believing in finding acceptance from the people of the same world he had tried conquer, not too long ago.

Loki sighed. All he wanted was for the pain in his heart to go away. To not feel it anymore. Maybe.. Maybe if he felt a real, physical pain, then.. Maybe then it would stop for a while? 

In his clouded mind this thought began to sound more and more like a good idea, until it was the only one left in his head. So, like a junkie trying to get his next fix, Loki stalked to the cabinet where he kept the sharp knives, took the first one he saw and then settled back down on the cold kitchen floor, leaning his back against the cupboard. He pushed more than rolled his sleeves up and then -  _ finally -  _ pressed the blade against his pale skin.

The red of the warm blood looked dark against the porcelain colour of his arm.  _ Beautiful _ it was, almost like art, Loki thought as he relished the pain. It felt like at last he could breathe again, like the restriction in his chest slowly lifted and his heart could finally beat normally again. It was such a relief that new tears sprang to his eyes as he pressed the knife into his flesh anew. 

Loki wouldn't have been able to tell how long he had just sat there after, just soaking in the pain and enjoying the burning feeling it left. Could have been minutes, could have been hours, but the prince didn't really care all that much. For the first time in days he had the control back and that thought lifted his spirits high. He kept sitting on the floor for some more minutes before he decided to get up. Admittedly, the sticky blood on his forearm wasn't exactly what Loki would describe as nice, but it was worth it! So he made his way to the sink and waited for the water to be lukewarm before he held his arm under it and tried to rub the dried red layer off. Not wholly prepared for the sting he hissed when he first pressed on the wound but adapted quickly and was gentler after. Sure, he could have just magicked it all away, but that wasn't really the point of it, was it? The pain was only half of it, remembering was the other part. He wanted and needed the wounds to remind him and keep him strong. He wasn't sure yet if they would scar or just fade away with time - he was a god and those had only been knives made by mortals after all - but at least for the time it would take to heal they would ground him. Suddenly a grin made his way on his face, he felt so much lighter now! He was ready to face the world again! 

The first thing he did, was go to the bathroom to take a shower. Sometimes he missed the luxurious baths of Asgard. Sure, showers were more practical but that was all there were to them, really. So after a quick washing he dried himself off with a big, green towel and then looked in the mirror. The first thing on his list was shaving, because as much as he sometimes liked beard on others, he hated it on his own face! So once his skin was smooth again, he felt like himself once more. Now he could focus on how sunken in his face looked, how red and puffed out his eyes and how chaotic and tangled his hair was. The wet mob of black hair on his head was easily fixable with a bit of brushing and a bit more patience, but for the rest, so he decided, only a glimmer would help. A couple of minutes later, Loki looked in the mirror again and was satisfied with his appearance. He was now wearing tight black jeans and a dark green sweater over it. His dark hair wasn't wet anymore and fell in wavy locks over his shoulders. And thanks to the glamour he cast his whole face looked vibrant now.  _ Ready to slay, _ he thought grinning to himself as he made his way over to the front door. He put on his black boots, the dark brown trench coat, pocketed the keys and then, with a final look around, left his flat. 

Maybe it wasn't beautiful outside with the wind and the clouds in the sky shielding the sun, but to Loki it was perfect anyway. He walked through the empty streets to the small park at the end of the village and sat down on a bank. He rested there for hours, just enjoying the outside, glad he didn't feel the cold and was immune to the biting wind. And when sometimes his thoughts threatened to waver back into dangerous territory and Loki pressed onto the deep cuts in his arm to feel the pain again and ground himself back to the here and now, well then no one was around to see and it was nobody's business anyway!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self harm is nothing to be taken lightly, Loki will learn so later on, but in his state of mind it seemed like the only right solution, and worked at first (at least he thinks so). But please, when you feel like you have to hurt yourself, tell a trusted family or friend, no one should have to go through this alone!!
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos make the writer happy:))


End file.
